Cyberbullying and Social Media

Empowering Tool For Parents

By Matthew D. Barkdull , MS, MBA, LMFT, MEDFT

“I had the opportunity to write an article for the Coalition’s 2023 summer newsletter entitled “Cyberbullying and Social Media: A Troubling Trend.” In that article, I outlined current statistics that paint a shocking picture regarding the problems concerning cyberbullying, the repercussions of these problems, and tips as well as resources that can immediately be implemented to better protect our youth against this growing epidemic. Following its publication, Coalition leaders recommended a follow-up article be written as a companion and extension of the first to further explore more what parents can do to empower their youth WHEN cyberbullying is encountered. Parents and guardians, let’s explore two empowering principles that can give us necessary tools to best combat cyberbullying.

Empowering Idea #1 – Follow the “Prophy” Principle

To explore learning how best to conquer any opposing force, let’s learn from a practice that’s all too familiar in the bleeding disorder community—prophylaxis or “prophy”. Prophy is all about preventing bleeding episodes so long-term damage to our precious joints and other vulnerable areas can be avoided. Yes, it comes at the cost of regular needle sticks, but the benefits of better health and protection often always outweigh the burdens.

Let’s liken this principle to a war. In battles, victory is not only attained by withstanding strikes or by continually taking on a defensive posture. An offensive strategy is also needed. Inflicting critical hits against the enemy promotes weakening and demoralizing the troops until surrender is secured.

General George Washington’s following quote is instructive: “Make [the troops] believe that offensive operations oftentimes are the surest, if not the only, means of defense.” In other words, as is oft repeated in sports, “The best defense is a good offense”. Therefore, prophy is one offensive strategy we can use to keep our bodies healthy and protected.

Now, let’s use this offensive-based prophy principle in relationship to protecting our youth from cyberbullying. The following points encompass some of the most powerful and offensive strategies that inflict the critical hits necessary to protect our youth:

• Before our children are old enough to discover or utilize social media, create a home-based culture where their goodness is continually reinforced through noticing and giving genuine compliments, accentuating the positive, and building their sense of confidence by continually reinforcing a can-do attitude. Parents’ pièce de résistance of parenting is showering their children with genuine confidence so when they do encounter cyberbullying, they have a firmer foundation from which to draw and increase their resilience when such attacks occur.

Don’t worry if a child is older or already exposed to the dark side of social media. While yesterday is the best time to plant a tree, the second-best time is right now. Creating such a culture requires parents to exercise a higher degree of patience and awareness of their child’s activities that may prove initially difficult, but the rewards can be breathtaking. If not already practiced, begin now to learn the joys of planting the magical seeds that grow into greater self-esteem and self-confidence for children.

• Protecting our youth through education is another powerful way to promote an offensive strategy to cyberbullying. Exposing the dangers of online activity opens the door of establishing trust with children. Education does not always come in the form of outlining dangers, however. More importantly, education also helps empower children so they know what to do when they encounter cyberbullying including talking to parents or a trusted adult about what they’ve experienced. Our children are more confident and likely to confide in us because of the affirming culture established and the past empowering words and actions we’ve deposited into their fertile minds.

• If/when children do come to discuss problems they’ve encountered on-line, know that doing so may be very difficult for them as they may be experiencing shame based on what they’ve experienced. Parents reinforcing their love, iterating being proud that they made the issue known, and promoting the message that they will be kept safe are powerful parenting moments that often strengthens the welded bond between parent and child. Regularly emphasizing the child’s goodness that builds self-esteem and selfconfidence sends a beautiful, affirming message; thereby, preserving and nourishing their powerful identities.

Empowering Idea #2 – Defend the Fortress

While there remains plenty of good around us, it’s not a far cry or a foreign principle that the world in which we now live is also wrought with dangers. Such dangers often come in many forms and wear different disguises, often making them difficult to discern their true desires and intentions. What may seem harmless and even commonplace, can act as the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing. All seems to be well until the wolf shows its teeth. As the poet Alexander Pope warns:

Vice is a monster of so frightful mien

As to be hated needs but to be seen;

Yet seen too oft, familiar with her face,

We first endure, then pity, then embrace.

With such dangers lurking to snare our children, areas of defense and safety must be erected to counter these influences. Unfortunately, even the most reinforced of such places still has its cracks and fissures. The solution is not to smother, distract, or cutoff our children from experiencing life; in fact, these actions have what I call the Rapunzel effect where our children begin to rebel, stall in their development, and eventually grow to resent their “captors”. Protection is not black and white—it’s taking a balanced approach where mistakes are allowed but learned from, contention exists but worked through, and shame is experienced but consoled with.

While the balanced approach is most healthy, parents still stand as the sentinels to what should be the safest, most secure location a child can experience—the home. Even when children venture outside the home, their parents’ influence can still be felt as they face a barrage of messages and stimuli that often run counter to what they’ve been taught. When it comes to taking this defensive posture, consider these strategies when protecting children from cyberbullying:

• Be the example. The greatest learning our children experience often comes from their parents. They are powerfully shaped and molded from what they routinely see and experience at a very young age and that largely stems from a parental source of observation. Be the one to lead out by setting the standard. This means taking care to limit social media and screen time yourselves. As parents, we can set the thermostat as to what should be expected.

• Fire the electronic babysitter. Screen time has too often replaced human connection; thereby, diminishing the critical and beautiful experience of interaction, bonding, and securing healthy attachments. While some screen time can be appropriate, anything that promotes excessive and indulgent behaviors will become problematic.

Finding opportunities to research, plan for, and execute activities that don’t involve the screen are equivalent to healthy eating, exercising, and getting enough sleep. As parents build a culture of balancing screen and non-screen activities, children won’t be so tempted to rely on the Internet to fill their social and entertainment vacuum; thus, limiting the potential impact of cyberbullying.

• Toe the social media line. It’s interesting to observe how many potentially dangerous areas are almost always equipped with barriers to entry. Barriers include locks, gates, fences, alarms, passwords, security personnel, barbed wire, among many other common means to block and protect access.

When it comes to social media, however, most sites allow kids as young as 13 (and often much younger) to gain access to a world full of dangers where not everything is always as it seems. Parents must assume the role of sentinels to guard against these dangers by toeing the social media line. Don’t assume that these sites will protect the user. Parents must assume the responsibility of deciding how little and how much social media is used, when such access should be given, the degree of parental control that’s implemented, and other important tasks and decisions.

This article may be seen as taking a hard stance against social media and that the author may even hold a strong bias and prejudice against such sites. As a social scientist, there’s evidence that has also been uncovered showing social media, when properly utilized, is also a positive means to make and maintain important connections and spreading goodness around the globe. Unfortunately, with every good thing comes its vice and one of these vices comes in the form of cyberbullying.

It’s my hope that this article has helped educate parents as to the problem and that solutions presented herein have provided food for thought. When it’s all said and done in the end, it’s my hope that we collectively do everything in our power to preserve and protect the greatest of all resources—our precious children.